The NBA Isn’t Going to Do This to Chris Paul and 4 Other Wild Conspiracy Theories for the NBA Playoffs

Watching the Phoenix Suns and the Milwaukee Bucks play in the best of seven series can teach you a lot about life.

For one, age is an illusion.

Suns center Deandre Ayton shouldn’t be playing this well as a 53-year-old man in his 23rd year in the league. He should be looking for a comfy chair to put his feet up and enjoy his retirement and yet he’s out there every game giving it his all….

Managing Editor Genetta Adams: Stephen, Ayton is only 22 years old and this is only his second year in the league.

Well, clearly I don’t know what I’m talking about so this should be fun. Here are five things I’ve learned watching these playoffs.

1. The NBA is not going to do this to Chris Paul.

Chris Paul is an ambassador for the league. He’s also reaching retirement age, and this is the closest he’s come to winning a ring, and I know that the NBA isn’t going to do this to him. At this point in the movie of Chris Paul’s life, the Bucks have just used an illegal move to injure the Karate Kid…I mean the Phoenix Suns, and now they are in the back getting fixed up. The Suns are going to have to use the crane kick that we’ve been watching them practice all series, and by crane kick, I mean the refs are going to be calling all kinds of questionable fouls against the Bucks because everyone knows that nothing beats a Game 7 where all questions get answered.

2. Time to double team Jrue Holiday when he’s on defense.

Look, I have no idea how to double someone on defense, but Jrue Holiday is a goddamn problem, and as such, the Suns need to find a way to keep him away from the ball. This is why I’m introducing the never before seen “I’m not touching you” defense in which two guys stay in front of Jrue Holiday and shadow his moves without touching him.

3. Fuck you mean Deandre Ayton isn’t 53?

Has anyone investigated this? Has anyone looked to see if he voted in the 1964 presidential election?

Image for article titled The NBA Isn’t Going to Do This to Chris Paul and 4 Other Wild Conspiracy Theories for the NBA Playoffs
Photo: Christian Petersen (Getty Images)

This man is 22.

4. Devin Booker will leave that Kardashian girl for the last two games.

I don’t know which Kardashian he’s dating, but I know it’s the one that doesn’t have the Black woman upgrade package, and he’s going to have to leave her for at least two games. Look, I know no one is going to say it, but these women are cursed. Look at Tristan Thompson. He went from looking like the second coming of Dennis Rodman to becoming the softest speaking Canadian man in the world.

I don’t even know how it happened but Tristan Thompson now talks like someone replaced his tonsils with dove feathers.

Here is Tristan before losing his tonsils:

Here is Tristan now:

Booker’s got to do it for the Suns to win.

5. Chris Paul retires after heroic comeback.

This one isn’t that farfetched. Paul is 36 years old (17 years younger than DeAndre Ayton) and this is the closest he’s come to winning a ring and if he does after being down 3-2, he’s out.

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